We, the undersigned (one guy, one part-time minion, and a cat who did not consent), being of sound mind and very limited budget, do hereby declare our intention to take over the world.

1. On funding. Our war chest stands at twelve dollars. We are aware that this is not enough to take over the world. We are doing it anyway.
2. On staff. Our workforce consists of one (1) evil genius, one (1) minion who is usually at lunch, and the aforementioned cat. Headcount will increase as soon as payroll exists.
3. On technology. Our mainframe is a laptop. Our satellite is rented by the hour. Our death ray is on layaway. REDACTED
4. On your preparations. Plan all you like. Prepare all you want. Execute your little contingencies. It will not matter. When we arrive, all you will have left is fear, hope and prayer. We, meanwhile, will have twelve dollars and a reboot button.
5. On resistance. Resistance is futile. It is also largely unnecessary, as we are not yet very threatening. Please resist anyway; it is good for morale.
6. On conquest. The world will be ours. We will begin with the TV remote, the thermostat and the good chair, and expand from there. REDACTED
7. On personnel. Minions handle the menial tasks of the lair (Mom's basement). They are not smart, but they are strong and surprisingly violent. Henchmen handle enforcement, in theory. In practice they sleep until noon, play Call of Duty, and steal the minions' snacks and Mountain Dew. When the minions find out, and they always find out, there will be fewer henchmen. Management is not responsible for snack-related casualties, or for minions who wander off when someone leaves the basement door open.
8. On victory. We may be broke. We may be understaffed. We may be running on one cup of coffee. But we are relentless, we are caffeinated (partially), and we are hell-bent on world domination.